If you have a penis, just stop reading this. Right now. Seriously. Go off and look in my archives for pictures of my breasts. You’ll be much happier.
There. Are they gone? Honestly, they just don’t understand. They can’t possibly. They don’t get what it’s like to wake up in a rage, or want to cry all day, or need to fuck some anonymous someone’s brains out in the nastiest way possible. That’s me, today… a complete insane bitch. I know that the intensity of my reaction is hormonal, even while the cause of the feelings is real. I think that’s what they don’t get… hormones don’t make us feel a certain way, or create an untenable situation, they just make it impossible to control the level of the feelings. So today, I’m suffering. I know why I’m suffering. In fact I know all the many reasons why I’m suffering. I listed them for my friend, a she who would be sure to understand. She did, and she offered a hug… which took me from frustration to copious tears in seconds flat.
The tears were for someone and something I stopped crying over months ago. And yet, they weren’t really for him. I’ve long stopped grieving for that relationship. I cried because I suddenly recognized a potential pattern in a current relationship, and the futility of it all overwhelmed me. That’s what it’s like when the hormones jump in and make the reaction unmanageable… it feels like a giant wave crashing over me, carrying me along an inevitable path, ensuring that I will hit the beach, hard, painfully.
I want to control it this time, I really do. So I’m going to shut my mouth, and not say all those wrong, honest things that I’ll just regret tomorrow anyhow. Because tomorrow, it’ll all be okay. The issue, the many issues, won’t have disappeared… but instead of gargantuan, they’ll just seem life-sized once again.
In the meantime, if you’re a cock-bearer and still reading this… what I really need right now is a good, hard, crazy, roller coaster of a fuck. Are you up to it?
No penis, the hug didn’t help… now what can I do?
By: Z on June 1, 2008
at 12:17 pm
Hugs.
Are you up to it?
Yeah, but too far away. I’m quite certain, though, that it would be more than worth the trip…*sigh*
By: Abbie on June 1, 2008
at 12:28 pm
Oh sausage, I know it’s awful. By an odd coincidence I’ve just been crying in the bath (which to me is very tragic and sad and pathetic!) over a certain someone I’d stopped caring about for months. Sucks. Sorry you’re down, hope you’re feeling better v. soon. xxx
By: Caroline on June 1, 2008
at 2:14 pm
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Vitamin B Complex and Magnesium. It’s the only cure. Everything else just makes you cry – even empathetic understanding x
By: havingmycake on June 1, 2008
at 3:28 pm
Fuck I love how hormones accept nothing but the truth from us. Here’s wishing, for the first time in my life, that I had a cock.
By: gillette on June 1, 2008
at 4:28 pm
{hug}
Oh, those days are hard. Chocolate — give me chocolate, and yes, I agree: a thoroughly dirty fuck.
By: Beth on June 1, 2008
at 4:58 pm
They will never understand but our sisters always will! Interestingly I just posted on my blog today about the hormonal upside. But I totally remember a week or more ago being where you are.
Hugs – K
By: K, the lonely housewife on June 1, 2008
at 5:28 pm
I guess because Ive been thinking about hormones today (mine too) I read the whole thing. Sorry I can’t at least give you a good hug, Mariane.
Take care,
figleaf
By: figleaf on June 1, 2008
at 6:53 pm
damn…i was there a week and a half ago. and you know, the thing is, knowing it’s our hormones doesn’t help…or, at least, not enough. it’s not like knowing that somehow puts us on the outside, looking in. nope, when we’re in it, we’re in it good.
i just uncorked a bottle of cheap cabernet…too bad you can’t be here to share it w/ me. (and no, it’s not really that cheap…i just know where to find the bargains. of course, after a glass or two, it doesn’t much matter!)
sending you hugs, marianne…
xo, tara
By: Tara Tartly on June 1, 2008
at 7:04 pm
Z — And then you go make me cry again by being nice to me on your blog, too. Well, other than confirming that I’m nuts. You know I love you, honey. xo
Abbie… I think it’s more than distance that’s keeping you away… a nice thought, though. xo
Caroline — You are one of the kindest-hearted people I know. I hope your bath cry made you feel better. It really can, sometimes. xo
Would you look at all the xo’s I’m throwing around here? Apparently the crying and rage is followed by complete sentimentality.
Cake — You know, I actually do take those vitamins… but admittedly, haven’t for the last week or so. An xo for you, too.
Gillette — I’m completely flattered! And that’s quite an image.
Beth — Thanks for the hug, and for the empathy. Now… off to find some chocolate. The dirty fuck isn’t happening for me tonight, unfortunately.
K — Thanks for your hug, as well. I’d go check your post, but your name here doesn’t have a link!
Figleaf — Thank you for the kind thoughts, which I accept in place of a real hug.
Tara — I would very much have liked to share a bottle with you… xo
By: Marianne on June 1, 2008
at 8:05 pm
You have my full hormonal sympathy. A week ago I could have ripped anybody’s eyes out. More than normal, I mean. My bf says, “I don’t get why you just don’t control it.” Duh. What they see IS control! Feel better–warm thoughts and long sleeps (one of the happy side effects for me).
By: seraglioletters on June 1, 2008
at 8:58 pm
i am going to show this to the philosopher, who for some reason hangs in there through all my insane hormonal mood swings. he’s a saint. or else really stupid. in any case, i often feel i don’t deserve it.
millions of hugs, and boy do i know what you’re going through.
By: oatmeal girl on June 1, 2008
at 9:02 pm
Well I have a penis and I read it anyway. Neener neener. I’m a rebel that way.
I’ll offer hugs, but in my state and yours I can’t promise it’d end there. Just so you know.
By: Effortlessly Average on June 1, 2008
at 10:10 pm
Seraglio — “I don’t get why you just don’t control it”?????? Argh! You’re a good woman to not have killed him for that!
OG — I have a saint in my life, too. And he doesn’t even seem bewildered by it all… just takes it in stride. Weird.
Do you want it to end there, EA? Didn’t think so.
By: Marianne on June 2, 2008
at 7:00 am
I shall see if adding the URL to the comment works. Skip to the post titled “lunar influences?”
More hugs for you.
By: K, the lonely housewife on June 2, 2008
at 11:12 am
I’m glad I didn’t read that. I wouldn’t have understood
By: Ro on June 2, 2008
at 3:10 pm
Hormones….the lovely little things that cause us to say (errr SCREAM) the things that otherwise remain in our head. I swear I see them flying out of my mouth and then think “OMG did I just say that OUT LOUD?!” Hormones are like truth serum.
x’s and o’s back at ya!
By: A. Secret on June 2, 2008
at 4:59 pm
Ah yes, K, that did work. Thanks for the more hugs.
Ro — Phew… I’m so glad you didn’t read it. It was all about you, and how I’m secretly but passionately enamoured with you. Don’t read it. No. Don’t.
Ms. Secret — Truth serum… that’s funny. And awfully accurate.
By: Marianne on June 2, 2008
at 7:56 pm
I am forever grateful to the Creator that I will never understand what I didn’t just read….
A hug for you for what it’s worth.
xo
By: Chexmate on June 2, 2008
at 9:57 pm
I have this to say:
I once dated a woman who had quite intense hormonal “swings” during That Time. There were a couple of days during the month when she would tell me she hated me. After she snapped out of it, so to speak, she would apologize.
The thing was … she actually did hate me, and if she’d genuinely admitted it sooner, rather than attributing her ability to say so to PMS, we would both have been spared a lot of wasted time and hurt feelings.
And so I learned that one of the smartest things I can do is actually pay attention to the “overreactions” of a partner, if she is a woman whose emotions are cyclically intensified. She may be telling me then what she forces herself to suppress or ignore at other times for the sake of being reasonable, or civil, or who knows why … fear of something, probably, though whether it’s fear of being honest with me, or fear of admitting the truth to herself, or fear of disrupting our interaction, or just fear of the unknown … in any event, it behooves the observant male not to dismiss PMS as “just” PMS. My feeling is that if a man is living with a Maenad for three days out of the month, there is probably a good reason for that, and he might do well to trace the origin of that energy during the more reasonable — or less daringly courageous? — times of the month.
By: Trainspotter on June 3, 2008
at 1:56 am
As a matter of fact, I AM up for it. I’m the kind of bad boy who tears tags off mattresses, drinks Slurpies without a straw, and reads blog entries when specifically told not to!
Yes, I’m exactly what you need to make you forget all about him!
By: Riff Dog on June 3, 2008
at 12:22 pm
Chex — Hugs always welcome from you.
Trainspotter — You are wise beyond your years, young one.
Yes… it isn’t that the issues that come up during PMS weren’t there the rest of the time… it’s just that the filter in expressing them has lessened or disappeared. Wise is the man who listens well, even when the emotions seem all out of proportion.
Mr. Dog — You really are a dog, you know. Your comments always make me want to jump on a plane to find you… then I reminder you’re like this with all the girls.
By: Marianne on June 3, 2008
at 12:35 pm
hey, i made it to the end. can i/we collect my/our prize of a first-rate fuck? and, by the way, i need one too.
By: max on June 3, 2008
at 1:25 pm
Oh, I may flirt with other girls, but it’s you who always captivates me. Please jump on that plane and let me prove it.
By: Riff Dog on June 3, 2008
at 11:46 pm
Aww, Max. Do you? Perhaps you, Riff Dog, and I can get together.
Riff Dog… fine, booking my flight online right now. Meet me at the airport. Oh wait… I don’t actually know which airport to fly into.
By: Marianne on June 4, 2008
at 9:10 pm